Beyond Self-Care - 5 Ways to Practice Community Care

“I am giving myself permission to feel deeply and notice what I am feeling… while knowing this doesn’t mean I have to carry everything on my shoulders”

— Morgan Harper Nicholls

Saying "it's been a hard couple years" feels like such an understatement, but it's just facts. Do you know anyone who's doing great? Because I sure don't. All my girls are tired - energy on zero, motivation tank on empty. And yet, we keep mustering up our reserves and pushing through.

 This year, the teams I work with have launched global campaigns uniting young people around the sustainable development goals. They are challenging anti-abortion sentiments with love and care in hostile conditions, while raising funds to provide community aid to vulnerable LBTQ and non-binary people. They are creating spaces for learning and collaboration in climate action across the Caribbean region while supporting the development of the next generation of young women climate activists and eco-feminists.

 Heck, personally, I've developed multiple communications and community engagement and outreach strategies, planned and executed two events while mentoring 4 young women on 3 continents and supporting 8 young changemakers in strategically scaling up their impact through collective projects.

 And through all of that I still have this lingering sense of guilt. I look around at the state of my country and the world and I wonder, am I doing enough? I look at my own life, my dreams and aspirations and I ask myself, is this enough? Based on the conversations I've been having with the amazing people I call my community - many of us have been there/are there.

 And the usual advice when we get a little bummed out is to take some time for self-care. Take a break, treat yourself. Rest. If you follow the TikTok gurus - fight your exhaustion in the gym or distract yourself shopping and doing up “luxury” life. But is that working? Because it seems like we're all back in this state every couple months at least.

I'm reflecting on all of this because this week I had an interesting conversation with one of my mentees. She’s been having a really tough year and like many of us, her reaction to this feeling seems to be guilt. Guilt that she hasn’t been able to participate fully in the mentorship programme (big up GirlsCARE!), guilt that she sometimes misses our meetings, guilt that she feels like she's falling behind.

 I don't know what it is about mentoring but hearing those words coming from this person I really admire and care about felt jarring. I look at her and I see someone who is trying so hard and who has this bright future ahead of her, but still has valid, important needs that need to be met. I see someone who needs support; someone I need to hold space for.

 So in addition to telling her that it's totally fine and that there are no penalties for missing sessions or needing time, I shared with her a life lesson I'm currently learning which is that life will not be siloed - everything is connected. I told her "Your real life will never stop to let you go off and save the world. So learning how to do this work while being present in your life is part of the journey. This too is a lesson, all of this is the programme."

 And we laughed and she said she felt better so we continued our meeting, promising to take it easy for the next couple of meetings. But as I've replayed that moment in my head since, I've begun to see it with another set of eyes. 2022 has been presenting me with a steady stream of opportunities to deepen my understanding of the word “community”, and they all point to the concept of care, not just of self, but of each other. 

How do we sustain movements and organize groups of people into taking effective collective action? Beyond identities, beyond shared interests, I’m realizing just how important it is to care. Yes we’re both connected in struggling against this oppressive system and working to improve the lives of this set of vulnerable people -  but when I look at you, my friend, my accomplice, I also want you to be okay, I also want you to thrive. 

I’m finding that no amount of bath bombs and frozen drinks can substitute for that security of knowing that the people around me care about me, and that I can enter our spaces as the full person I am and be accepted and accommodated. There is room for me. I am wanted. If I need time or special arrangements, my needs will be respected. I count. I matter.

How do you care? You can start by

1. Encouraging embodiment. Capitalism tells us to do whatever we need to do to increase profits - even to our own detriment. Patriarchy encourages us to self-sacrifice. Ableism tells us we don’t have needs and those who do are useless. Disembodiment is abusive, and oppressive and you must resist it in your work. Call people back into themselves. Remind them their needs are valid. How can you solve problems if you can’t name them? How can you meet needs you can’t recognize? 

2. Listening. People are constantly telling us and showing us what they need. Pay attention. Hear them when they say “i need this”, or “i’m scared” or “this isn’t working”. Respect that. Don’t make assumptions. 

3. Recognizing real life. Material conditions matter. Your community is made up of real people with real needs. They are not cogs in your change-making machine. Let them know you recognize their needs, have a plan for meeting those needs and communicate that up-front. Oftentimes they will be willing to forego certain things but never take that for granted.

4. Holding space. To me, holding space is about security - people need to know that they won’t be penalized for being human. One of the things I’ve had to come to grips with as an organizer is that it’s okay if some people in your community are less active than others. You don’t need to fix that, you need to accommodate them. Let them know it’s okay to jump in or out as they need, they will always be welcomed back. Hold space for difference. 

5. Knowing your priorities. I’ve seen leaders sacrifice the well-being of the same people they claim they’re trying to benefit. How can you be working for and with young people but you don’t care that the young people you work with are literally suffering? You can’t be so dogged in the pursuit of your goals, your bottom-line that you lose sight of the big picture - remember, all of this is the programme.

So as we continue to do the work (because the racist patriarchal capitalistic system we live under never takes a break and we are on the brink of a climate catastrophe), remember that people are quite literally going through it. Yes your community is resilient and passionate and powerful, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to expect that members will be fine and know how to take care of themselves. Remember to take care of them as well. 

…

But still take care of yourself :)