Today's Toops: On Fearing Failure
Toops: Jamaican for a small amount
Here’s something I need to hear today. It will probably fail. Despite our best efforts, despite all our hard work, the thing we’re trying to perfect will likely fail. It might fail to launch or it might get off the ground and then fail midflight. It could even be great for a little while and then fail or it could soar beyond our wildest imagination and then crash and burn spectacularly. It doesn’t matter what we do - failure is always a possible outcome.
So what?
We face challenging odds all the time and we always will. That’s life. That’s change. We try our best and don’t succeed, we get rain on our wedding days, we try to walk away and we stumble. It just happens. We like to think that if we put enough thought into it then we’ll be able to make it foolproof but we can’t. There will always be disaster lurking around every corner.
So what?
So we try anyway. We give it our best shot and sometimes it fails, but sometimes it doesn’t. We never know until we actually get up, decide on a course of action and do the thing - failure or success be damned.
I’ve heard all of this before - it’s everywhere - self help books and gurus, movies, fortune cookies and astrologers. I know this. Everyone knows this. But I really needed to hear it today because I’m trying to create something. It’s something I’ve dreamt about and attempted and overanalyzed ad nauseum for years. I’ve pored over it for so long, sat right at the edge of fruition. I’ve built it up only to destroy it and start all over again, talked it through with friends and family only to shelve it for months.
I tell myself I need more time, need to read one more journal article, consult one more expert, find one more model. I tell myself I’m not the right person, it’s not the right time, I’m not in the right space. But the truth is I am just afraid to fail. Just like I was before my first speaking engagement, first major exam, first scholarship application, first job interview.
And that’s okay, fear is an okay feeling, but it’s a trap. At some point I have to admit myself that like Dormammu I am stuck, bargaining with forces I have no control over. Fearing failure is inherently sisyphean; failure is going nowhere. There’s no beating it. And I know our world is built for brute force, for pushing through and never giving up but I personally don’t think that’s the only way to approach failure.
Sometimes I need to really see my failure, understand it and reckon with its presence. You know that scene in Inside Out when Happiness finally gets the purpose of Sadness? It’s like that. It’s a quiet, conscious decision to drop your weapons and listen.
My fear is not irrational. I am not crazy, lazy, or stupid. I’m just afraid of failing and that’s okay. Now that I’m not in crisis mode, I can think about how to manage that fear going forward. We manage the fear of failing at big things like creating something new, the same way we manage it a million times in every day. Every time I make a meal there’s a chance I will fail. Every time I get dressed, answer the phone, ask for directions, write an email, go to pet the cat - there’s all these tiny failures that I don’t let stop me from trying. How do I do that?
I decide that doing the thing is worth the risk and I make sure I’m clear on and okay with what I’ve defined success and failure as. In this case, I need to put failure and success aside and decide if I really want to create this thing. Is the actual act of making it happen worthwhile to me? Then I need to make sure success is aligned to my objectives rather than external/public ideas about success and failure is aligned to betraying those objectives rather than external/public ideas about failure.
I can be prepared but I will never be prepared enough to take failure off the table for sure. Even billionaire kids and experts face failure. I can educate myself but I will always have gaps in my knowledge. So if failure is not an option, then making the thing isn’t an option either, which means success isn’t an option.
What I needed to hear today is that it’s okay to feel anxious about failure. It makes total sense. I am a millennial from a developing country - failure can be devastating for people like me because the world is not a sandbox for us. We get fewer opportunities and less empathy. But I only have this one life, gifted to me by generations of ancestors surviving, failing and trying anyway to get me here, to where I have options. Where I can decide to make things or not and that’s amazing. So if this is too much, I can decide to put this thing behind me and do something else. I can wait for better conditions. It’s okay. But if I really want to do it, then all I can do is make an honest, earnest effort and whatever happens, happens.
-deep breath-
Okay, now that I’ve told myself what I needed to hear, tell me what you think I need to hear. How do you approach the fear of failure?
Ideagredients:
Quick Tips:
Keep a journal of what triggers the fear and you can face it
Talk about your fears with someone who knows what it’s like to create as well, like a founder or social entrepreneur - not for reassurance but just to reconnect with and strengthen your why, which can help you overcome the fear
Face it - read stories of life after failure
Build up your FOF (Fear of Failure) Support - check out some of the elements of my support below
To Watch:
Steven Universe Season 4, Episode 4 “Mindful Education”, but especially the song Here Comes A Thought sung by Estelle and AJ Michalka who voice characters Garnet and Stevonnie respectively
To read:
Rainesford Stauffer - An Ordinary Age, Finding Your Way in a World That Expects Exceptional | Read about it here
H Benjamin - Failure is an Option | Read about it here
Podcast:
This Design Matters Podcast Episode where Debbie Millman talks to Seth Godin about his book: The Practice - Shipping Creative Work
Music: FOF (Fear of Failure) Support Playlist with hits like:
Macy Gray - I Try, Coldplay - Fix You, Alanis Morissette - Ironic